-Lonely Planet p.668
Thank you, Mr. Planet, for the detailed tips for driving in NZ. Given the paucity of information, we thought that it might be helpful for those considering visiting this place by car to get a fleshed-out, first-hand account from a couple of perspectives; the driver and the drivee.
The Driver
Before we get into the actual driving perhaps a word about the roads would be in order. There are three kinds of roads in NZ: small country roads; secondary highways; and, state highways. All of these three types of roads are the same width; EXACTLY two car-widths (one going each way) or about one car width and a half a campervan width. The only distinguising feature between the roads are the markings; country roads have none; secondary highways have a dotted white line seperating the two directions of travel; and, state highways have the additional feature of a solid white line painted on the each edge of the road signifying the, well, edge of the road because there is rarely a shoulder.
Continuing on the roads...the above sign should be recognizable by any Canadian driver. They have these signs here in NZ as well. Except we can't for the life of us figure out why they bother spending the money on them. Let me explain. In Canada these signs are used to indicate an abberation...a winding section of the road. For example, when we leave Calgary driving east we drive for a day and a half before we encounter such a sign just outside of Kenora. It is posted because after driving straight for a day and a half it is understandable that a winding section of the highway might be shocking and, thus, require a warning. Here in NZ they should really hang only one of these signs at the entrance to the country 'cause that about covers it. Well, I exaggerate; there was that one straight stretch just south of Turangi that went through a 2 km bit of arrid dessert...there should have been a straight arrow on that stretch to assure us that is was not a mirage!
Just about ready to talk about the driving but, before I do, a wee word about the signs. The first that I would like to mention is what we have dubbed the 'dummy dot'. It's a rather unassuming small blue circle with a white arrow that has immeasureable value.
I believe that this helpful little sign is meant to indicate the presence of a concrete barrier that one would find entering a roundabout or, perhaps entering a parking lot. However, I see it as the quiet little kiwi politely indicating what lane I should be driving in. (A correction to Lonely Planet...kiwis do not drive on the left side. I have been set straight on a number of occasions; we drive on the RIGHT side; they drive on the CORRECT side...or, in my best kiwi accent corrict side.) So, every time I see the dummy dot I hear the following: 'Right, mate. You may want to scoot over 'ere to the corrict side of the road. S'all good.'
I have noticed that, often, as you leave a tourist site or a campground you will often see two dummy dots one on top of the next at the entrance to the main road (secondary or state highway...see above). I believe that this is intentional as these would be the parts of the road where a number of mistakes are made in the area of lane selection. The 'double dummy dot', for me, is accompanied by a slghtly crustier kiwi voice that says: 'GET YER ARSE OVER 'ERE TO THE CORRICT SIDE!!!'
The second helpful sign is posted a few feet ahead of a 'narrow' bridge. We were told by the folks that rented us the campervan that narrow bridges are one-laned bridges. Well, for a car...maybe. Usually defined by white-painted concrete fences on either side, a narrow bridge will accomodate a campervan as long as you do not rock the van, fold in the mirrors and are good with deep scratches in the paint on both sides. Furthermore, the sign indicates who has the right-of-way on such a bridge. Does the white arrow mean go? Or does the red arrow mean 'careful, mate...there might be someone comin'. S'all good.' One day, if we are here long enough, I'm sure we'll figure that out.
So, time for a bit about the actual driving...from the driver's perspective. I will choose to recount the story of a 25 km stretch of glorious NZ state highway that takes you over Takaka Hill. Hill??? Well, that's what they called it. And we drove it twice. It is the Ogre that guards the entrance to Golden Bay so we were fortunate to drive it twice; on the way in and on the way out again.
And it was fun BOTH times. The dream road for a driver getting used to the correct side of the road driving a 5 meter long campervan with a manual transmission. To say it was a winding donkey path perched on the edge of sheer cliffs would be complimentary. Footpath with lines? Maybe a more apt description. 12.5 km up with approximately 9, 762 turns (most of them hairpins) followed by 12.5 km down with a few more turns than we had going up. My arms were sore from the turning of the steering wheel and I am certain the van will need new brakes from the screeching downhill portion. It took every ounce of driving finesse to guide our beast over this pass (I felt my father's foot stomp on the imaginary break a few hundred times as I steered the van within inches of the edge of a cliff).
I would have been a little worried if it weren't for the squeals of joy emanating from my darling wife's lips. I didn't realize how much she enjoyed such precarious vehicular conditions. Her gasps of wonderment at the breathtaking views encouraged me to take her closer and closer to the edge for a better look. I actually made a bit of a game of it...how close could I get? And how fast could I go around the hairpin turns.
Pretty fast as it turns out!
The Drivee
Let me tell you how the driving story REALLY went!!
I like to think of myself as patient, optimistic and relatively calm in the face of impending doom and disaster. The divets on the dashboard left by my fingers as I held on for dear life tell another story. To all the holy saints who heard my pleas and cries of horror, I am forever grateful (surtout à Ste Bénite qui m'a sauvé plusieurs fois du précipice).
For those of you who know me well, I am not one who is prone to using profanity. I find it shows a poor vocabulary repertoire. HOWEVER, there are times when no other words adequately describe a situation. For instance, those so called squeals of delight Gerry heard during the traverse over Takaka Hill Road From Hell was really "Oh phoque! OH phoque! OH PHOQUE!!!" to which he answered "Ya...I sure hope we get to see seals too when we go sea kayaking!!"
How to describe driving along these NZ roads? At every turn I want to scream to Gerry to slow down. When I anxiously glance at the speedometer and realize that we are actually going the speed limit (25 km/hr) I just close my eyes and repeat the immortal words from Monique of Tête à Claque fame: "Oh my God! OH MY God!! OH MY GOD!!!!" silently of course, so as not to distract him from the 180 degree turn he has to negotiate!
Oh...and let's not forget that the drivee is also the navigator....not easy to read a map when your stomach is ready to empty its contents down the million metre cliff or you're being thrown against the van door while your darling husband pretends that he is Mario Andretti leading the pack at the NZ backroads Grand Prix.
How will I survive this harrowing driving ordeal you ask? Luckily, NZ has no shortage of good 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷.
Aurevoir. Adieu. Or in NZ...Hiyha.
We thought we'd leave with a pic of Janet enjoying her 'gripping' adventure on Takaka Hill. Poring over the maps of the south island tell us that the true NZ driving adventure is yet to come!
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